Opening Doors

The door closed with a resounding slam on Sunday.  What was supposed to be a glorious joyous step forward in my observance level, was instead a concrete harsh slam of the door in my life.  The living waters that surrounded me felt like they were choking me instead of embracing me.  This was just the last and clearest piece of sealing the old life behind me.  I look in the mirror and don't even look like the old me anymore, why should I feel the same on the inside.

I came home expecting to renew my relationship both symbolically and physically.  That did not happen, nominally due to uncooperative little people.  I suspect that it is at least as much due to people doubting my capacity.  I feel as though I am not trusted anymore because of the terrible terrible things that caused all this horror and broke reality.

Supposedly when HaShem closes a door, he opens a new one somewhere, in some fashion.  I am looking for that new door to open,.  I need it to be a door that shows the new me how to live.