A Hard Day

Today is our son, Orin's first yahrzeit.  He should be 1 today, blowing out candles and getting his first taste of cake.  He should be having his dol and choosing his future. He should be here in my arms snuggling and snoozing, giggling and making us giggle.

Instead he is with HaShem and we are left here feeling his absence and crying.  Last night, we as a family went to minyan and said Kaddish then came home and lit a candle for him and a few special words to him.  While it burned we opened the box that came home from the hospital in his place for the first time.  We touched his tiny little hand print and foot print. We held the cap he wore.  And finally we looked at his picture and his beautiful sleeping face.  I wanted so much just to reach out and kiss him.  My heart aches with missing him. 

Later today, we will go to the cemetery and put stones on his grave.  It will be our first time back since the funeral.  Due more of the same awfulness as surrounded his birth, the marker for his grave is not yet ready and we don't get to have the unveiling yet.  Still we will our own special moments and say our private prayers and be as close with him as we possibly can.  We bought a special lantern on our vacation that we will fill with special messages to him and release as our special way of sharing some of those moments he missed with him. 

We love you    We miss you. אר'ן בן אר'ה