My father
My father and I have never had a good relationship for a variety of reasons. Start with the fact that he really wanted a son and I was the third of four girls. I was also a fat kid with less social graces than his collegues who have preferred. I think he tried in the beginning but gave up eventually when he found nothing worth his time in me.
By thirteen, I knew he didn't like me as much as my siblings. At fifteen, I was told flat out I was asking to visit too often and so I never asked again without need. Sixteen was the last year I received any acknowledgement of my birthday and that was several months late and only after I cried to one of my sisters about the lack of acknowledgement. Before I was married at 22, I had stopped being invited to the family winter celebration including my sister's birthday celebration.
When Abba and I decided that we were going to make a life together, he asked to meet my father and I acquiesced to his wishes. We had dinner as a family with my sister and my niece. I had a wonderful time with my niece and hold that evening as a glorious moment in time even though my father barely spoke to either me or Abba.
When Froggy was born, I sent him an announcement and received no response at all. My sisters claim it was because he did not get it. However they told him of her birth and still he did not say or do anything.
When my mom passed, he sent flowers to her house addressed to only three of his four daughters. If that does not say you have been disowned, what does? My sisters claim his wife sent and he does not even know. I say if they really even believed that they could have told him and he could have corrected the situation.
My sisters still claim it is my fault that the relationship between me and my father is "strained". For several years, my sisters, the oldest in particular, prodded me to reach out to him and try to mend fences. Despite all my enlargements and reiterations of the history, she insisted. "He would be so happy." she says. "It is not right to keep him from his grandchild" "Froggy deserves to know her Grandpa" "He has changed. Look how great he is with B."
So finally I gave in and tried. Why? Did I really believe her that it would be different? Not in the slightest. I have accepted long ago that he wants nothing to do with me. I have no idea why I in particular am not worthy of even being acknowledge as kin. But I accept that it is true. I agreed because I want my sisters to acknowledge that too. I still hope that some day my sisters will see I am not to blame for the "strained" relationship they see.
So last year I reached out to him. And I received this reply
To me that is a blow off kind of response but my sister was oh so so happy. I sent back another response saying that would be nice and giving him the link to this blog.
Fast forward in time to this year. There has been no response from him to my last email. He is coming up for a visit. He made no attempt to contact me at all. He knows we are going to be in the same space at the same time and has still not had any contact at all. We were supposed to be going out to dinner with everyone on Saturday as well as Sunday and then suddenly that was "too complicated to arrange" and we were uninvited.
I am writing this here now so that hopefully at the end of this weekend when I have been perfect and bitten my tongue against all the hurt and sadness so that I can share in this special moment of my niece's life maybe then my sisters will acknowledge the truth.
On Sunday at the big celebratory, his wife, when asked quietly if everything was good for her she commented loudly that she was as from from me as possible so it was as good as could be.
On Monday, we were uninvited from spending time with the family because it was his last day.
By thirteen, I knew he didn't like me as much as my siblings. At fifteen, I was told flat out I was asking to visit too often and so I never asked again without need. Sixteen was the last year I received any acknowledgement of my birthday and that was several months late and only after I cried to one of my sisters about the lack of acknowledgement. Before I was married at 22, I had stopped being invited to the family winter celebration including my sister's birthday celebration.
When Abba and I decided that we were going to make a life together, he asked to meet my father and I acquiesced to his wishes. We had dinner as a family with my sister and my niece. I had a wonderful time with my niece and hold that evening as a glorious moment in time even though my father barely spoke to either me or Abba.
When Froggy was born, I sent him an announcement and received no response at all. My sisters claim it was because he did not get it. However they told him of her birth and still he did not say or do anything.
When my mom passed, he sent flowers to her house addressed to only three of his four daughters. If that does not say you have been disowned, what does? My sisters claim his wife sent and he does not even know. I say if they really even believed that they could have told him and he could have corrected the situation.
My sisters still claim it is my fault that the relationship between me and my father is "strained". For several years, my sisters, the oldest in particular, prodded me to reach out to him and try to mend fences. Despite all my enlargements and reiterations of the history, she insisted. "He would be so happy." she says. "It is not right to keep him from his grandchild" "Froggy deserves to know her Grandpa" "He has changed. Look how great he is with B."
So finally I gave in and tried. Why? Did I really believe her that it would be different? Not in the slightest. I have accepted long ago that he wants nothing to do with me. I have no idea why I in particular am not worthy of even being acknowledge as kin. But I accept that it is true. I agreed because I want my sisters to acknowledge that too. I still hope that some day my sisters will see I am not to blame for the "strained" relationship they see.
So last year I reached out to him. And I received this reply
It is a pleasant surprise to hear from you. I would be interested in seeing you and [Froggy]. I rethink our last visit occasionally and it never does make any sense to me. Iwould like to keep in touch and if I get up to your area or you come to Fl. perhaps we can see each other.
To me that is a blow off kind of response but my sister was oh so so happy. I sent back another response saying that would be nice and giving him the link to this blog.
Fast forward in time to this year. There has been no response from him to my last email. He is coming up for a visit. He made no attempt to contact me at all. He knows we are going to be in the same space at the same time and has still not had any contact at all. We were supposed to be going out to dinner with everyone on Saturday as well as Sunday and then suddenly that was "too complicated to arrange" and we were uninvited.
I am writing this here now so that hopefully at the end of this weekend when I have been perfect and bitten my tongue against all the hurt and sadness so that I can share in this special moment of my niece's life maybe then my sisters will acknowledge the truth.
On Sunday at the big celebratory, his wife, when asked quietly if everything was good for her she commented loudly that she was as from from me as possible so it was as good as could be.
On Monday, we were uninvited from spending time with the family because it was his last day.
That....is horrid. You're not the only person I know who has a family pulling that sort of sh*t, but I still can't wrap my head around treating another person like that, let alone a daughter.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you had to experience a weekend like that, but hope that the pain at least came with a payoff of people stopping acting like you are in control of the distance.